The silence around the topic can be deafening. It’s a quiet ache in a relationship—a feeling of being roommates rather than lovers, a profound sense of loneliness even when you’re lying next to each other. A sexless marriage is one of the most painful and isolating challenges a couple can face, yet it is far more common than most people realize. If you are searching for how to fix a sexless marriage, the first thing to know is that you are not alone, and this is not a life sentence.

The lack of physical intimacy is rarely the real problem. Instead, it is a symptom—a powerful and painful indicator that there are deeper, unresolved issues at play. The good news is that because it is a symptom, it can be addressed. The path back to intimacy isn’t a quick fix, but it is a possible one. It’s a journey that begins not in the bedroom, but with rebuilding communication, vulnerability, and the emotional connection that makes physical intimacy a natural expression of your bond.

What Is a “Sexless Marriage”?

While some clinicians define a sexless marriage as one where the couple has sex ten or fewer times per year, this number is arbitrary. A better definition is any situation where the frequency of sex is a significant source of distress for one or both partners. If you feel rejected, lonely, and disconnected due to the lack of intimacy, that is the only definition that matters.

It’s crucial to understand that this situation is often a slow fade, not a sudden stop. It can be a symptom of a relationship that is struggling under the weight of unspoken needs or resentments, and it may be one of the Signs of a Loveless Marriage: And How to Decide What’s Next. Viewing it this way moves the problem from “We are broken” to “We have a problem to solve together.”

Why Does This Happen? The Root Causes of a Lack of Intimacy

Before you can fix the problem, you must understand its roots. Intimacy fades for a multitude of reasons, and often, it’s a combination of several factors.

The Erosion of Emotional Intimacy

This is, by far, the most common culprit. Sex is not just a physical act; it is an expression of emotional closeness. When that closeness disappears, the desire for sex often follows.

• Feeling like roommates: You manage the household, kids, and finances, but you’ve stopped connecting.
• Lack of emotional safety: If one partner feels criticized, dismissed, or unsafe to be vulnerable, they will build a wall. A protected heart cannot be an open one.
• Unresolved resentment: Small annoyances and deep hurts that are never addressed build up until they become a mountain of resentment that blocks all desire.

The journey back to physical intimacy almost always starts with How to Deepen Emotional Intimacy.

Unresolved Conflict and Anger

Anger is the antithesis of desire. When you are chronically frustrated with your partner, or when you are stuck in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, it is nearly impossible to feel loving or aroused. Each unresolved argument leaves a “residue” that makes reaching for your partner feel inauthentic or even impossible. This is why Mastering Conflict Resolution is not just a communication skill; it’s a prerequisite for intimacy.

The Weight of Life: Stress, Exhaustion, and Routine

Sometimes, the passion doesn’t die; it’s just suffocated by the logistics of modern life.

• Chronic stress: Work deadlines, financial worries, and family obligations keep your nervous system in “fight or flight” mode, which is the opposite of the “rest and digest” state required for arousal.
• Parenthood: The demands of raising children, combined with sleep deprivation, can leave both partners with nothing left to give at the end of the day.
• The “Business” of Life: When your primary mode of communication is about schedules, bills, and whose turn it is to take out the trash, the roles of “lover” and “partner” are eclipsed by “administrator.” This is a core component of Emotional Labor in Relationships: How to Create a More Balanced Partnership.

Physical, Medical, and Hormonal Changes

It’s essential to rule out physical causes. A sudden drop in libido can be a sign of an underlying medical issue.

• Hormonal shifts: Menopause, perimenopause, low testosterone, and postpartum changes can dramatically impact desire.
• Medications: Many common medications (especially antidepressants, blood pressure medication, and hormonal birth control) list decreased libido as a side effect.
• Chronic illness or pain: Living with chronic pain makes sex difficult, undesirable, or even frightening.
• Body image issues: If you or your partner feels deep shame or discomfort about your body, it creates a significant barrier to vulnerability.

The Aftermath of Infidelity or Betrayal

For many couples, a sexless period begins after a breach of trust. Even if you have decided to stay together, the body often keeps the score. How to Recover From Infidelity: Can a Relationship Be Saved After Cheating? is a complex process, and rebuilding sexual trust is often the final and most difficult piece of the puzzle.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Intimacy and Connection

Knowing “how to fix a sexless marriage” is less about a single solution and more about a sustained, compassionate process.

Step 1. Break the Silence with a “Soft Start-Up”

The problem cannot be fixed if it isn’t being discussed. This is often the hardest step. The “pursuer” partner is often afraid of being rejected again, and the “withdrawer” partner is afraid of being blamed.

• Schedule a time to talk: Do not bring this up in the bedroom or after a long, stressful day. Schedule a neutral time, like a weekend walk.
• Use a “soft start-up”: Avoid blame, criticism, and “you” statements.
  • Instead of: “You never touch me anymore.”
  • Try: “I feel really disconnected from you lately, and it’s making me feel lonely. I miss our intimacy, and I’d love to find a way to talk about it.”
• This approach is central to Revitalize Communication Skills: Real Talk for Deeper Connection.

Step 2. Get Curious, Not Furious

Your goal in this first conversation is not to find a solution. It is simply to understand.

• Ask open-ended questions: “When do you think things started to change for us?” “What gets in the way of intimacy for you?” “What does connection feel like to you?”
• Listen to understand, not to rebut: Your partner’s reality is their reality, even if you disagree. They might say, “I feel too stressed,” or “I feel criticized a lot.” Your only job is to validate their feeling: “It makes sense that you feel stressed, you have so much on your plate.”
• Using Relationship Check-In Questions: A Weekly Ritual for Deeper Connection can provide a non-threatening structure for these talks.

Step 3. Rebuild Non-Sexual Intimacy First

This is the most critical step. Do not try to “schedule sex.” This puts immense pressure on both partners and often leads to failure. You must rebuild the foundation of affection and emotional safety first.

• Introduce non-sexual touch: The goal is to re-establish touch as a form of connection, not as a prerequisite for sex.
  • Hold hands while watching TV.
  • Give a real, six-second hug (the length of time it takes to release oxytocin).
  • Touch your partner’s arm when you walk by.
  • Cuddle on the sofa with no expectation that it will lead to more.
• Share emotional “bids”: A “bid” is a small attempt to connect. It can be sharing a story from your day, pointing out a funny-looking dog, or sending a text. The key is for the other partner to “turn toward” the bid by engaging with it.
• Focus on Daily Relationship Rituals to fill your “emotional bank account.”

Step 4. Address the Elephants in the Room

Once the foundation of communication and non-sexual touch is being rebuilt, you can start to gently tackle the “why.”

• Make an action plan for stress: If life logistics are the problem, how can you tackle them as a team? Can you hire a babysitter? Can you re-divide chores to be more equitable?
• See a doctor: Encourage your partner (or go yourself) to get a full physical and bloodwork to rule out any medical causes.
• Apologize for old hurts: If unresolved conflict is the issue, it’s time to put it on the table. This is where The Art of Apology becomes a healing tool.

Step 5. Redefine and Talk About Sex

It’s possible that your old “script” for sex no longer works for you.

• Get curious about desire: Talk about what you both find arousing. Read a book on intimacy together.
• Broaden your definition: Intimacy is a spectrum. It includes quickies, long and romantic sessions, mutual masturbation, and sensual touch. Take the pressure off “intercourse-or-nothing.”
• Schedule “intimacy,” not “sex”: Set aside time to be sensual without the goal of intercourse. This could be giving each other a massage, taking a bath together, or just kissing. This removes the pressure and allows desire to build organically.

When to Seek Professional Help

It is incredibly difficult to untangle these deep-seated patterns on your own. There is no shame in asking for help; in fact, it is the ultimate sign of commitment to your relationship.

• A couples counselor can act as a neutral mediator, helping you both say the hard things in a safe environment.
• A certified sex therapist is specifically trained to deal with issues of desire, arousal, and sexual dysfunction. An excellent resource for finding a qualified professional is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).

A sexless marriage is a sign that your relationship is in pain and is asking for attention. It is a crisis, but it is also an opportunity—a chance to strip away the resentment and routine, to have the conversations you’ve been avoiding for years, and to rebuild a connection that is deeper, more honest, and more intimate than before.

Check out the author’s book here: Love and Relationship Workbook for Couples.