Do you find yourself constantly asking friends for advice before making even minor decisions? When you accomplish something great, does it feel “real” only after someone else has congratulated you? Or perhaps, when you feel angry or sad, you immediately ask yourself, “Am I overreacting?” If these scenarios sound familiar, you may be caught in the exhausting cycle of seeking external validation. While enjoying praise is human, relying on it for your sense of self is a recipe for anxiety and instability. The antidote to this dependency is self-validation.

Self-validation is the act of accepting your own internal experience—your thoughts, feelings, and needs—as valid and understandable, without needing anyone else to agree with you. It is the ability to say, “I feel hurt, and that makes sense,” rather than waiting for someone to tell you, “You have a right to be hurt.” Mastering this skill changes the entire architecture of your relationships. You stop begging for permission to exist and start showing up as your authentic self, grounded in the knowledge that you are your own biggest supporter.

The Trap of the “External Validation” Loop

Why do we crave approval so intensely? Biologically, we are social animals. Historically, rejection from the tribe meant death. Therefore, we are wired to care what others think. However, for many of us, this natural instinct has gone into overdrive.

• The Bottomless Pit: Relying on others to make you feel good is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it. No amount of praise is ever enough because you don’t believe it yourself.
• The Chameleon Effect: You change your opinions, your style, and even your personality to fit in. You become a reflection of who you think people want you to be, losing your true self in the process.
• The Control Fallacy: When your worth is in someone else’s hands, they have total control over your mood. If they smile, you are safe. If they frown, you are in danger. This precarious state is often a trigger for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: Coping Strategies for Intense Emotional Pain.

The Roots of Invalidating Environments

We are not born doubting our reality. Babies cry when they are hungry without wondering if they are being “too dramatic.” Self-doubt is learned.

• Gaslighting: If you were told “You’re too sensitive” or “That didn’t happen” when you were upset as a child, you learned that your internal GPS was broken.
• Performance-Based Love: If affection was doled out only when you achieved good grades or behaved perfectly, you learned that you are only valid when you are impressive.
• Neglect: Simply not being seen or heard teaches a child that their needs don’t matter. Recovering from this is a key theme in Healing Your Childhood Wounds Workbook.

What Self-Validation Is (and What It Isn’t)

There are many misconceptions about this practice.

• It IS NOT: Agreeing that everything you do is perfect.
• It IS: Acknowledging that your feelings are real, even if your behavior needs to change.
• It IS NOT: Narcissism or selfishness.
• It IS: Treating yourself with the same respect you offer others.

Example:

• Invalidation: “I shouldn’t be angry. It’s stupid to be angry over this.”
• Self-Validation: “I am feeling very angry right now. It makes sense that I’m angry because my boundary was crossed.”

The 6 Steps to Practicing Self-Validation

You can build this muscle just like any other. Here is a step-by-step framework adapted from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Step 1: Presence and Mindfulness

You cannot validate a feeling you are ignoring.

• The Action: Stop what you are doing. Turn your attention inward.
• The Check-In: “What is happening in my body right now? Is my chest tight? Is my stomach churning?”
• The Link: Use the techniques from Mindfulness Exercises: Practical Techniques to Reduce Daily Stress to ground yourself in the moment.

Step 2: Accurate Naming

Vague feelings create anxiety. Specific feelings create clarity.

• The Shift: Move from “I feel bad” to “I feel disappointed,” “I feel embarrassed,” or “I feel lonely.”
• The Power: Naming the demon tames the demon. It engages the prefrontal cortex.

Step 3: Guessing the “Because” (Context)

Feelings don’t happen in a vacuum. They have a context.

• The Prompt: “It makes sense that I feel [Emotion] because [Reason].”
• Example: “It makes sense that I feel anxious because this is the first time I’ve done a public speech in a year.”
• The Result: This connects the dots and normalizes your experience.

Step 4: Radical Acceptance

This is the hardest step. You must accept the feeling without trying to change it immediately.

• The Mantra: “This is what is happening right now. I don’t have to like it, but I accept that it is here.”
• The Contrast: Fighting the feeling (“I need to stop being sad!”) only creates secondary suffering (shame about being sad).
• Resource: This aligns with the principles of Emotional Regulation: How to Navigate Internal Storms.

Step 5: Normalize the Experience

Remind yourself of your humanity.

• The thought: “Anyone in my shoes would feel this way.”
• The Truth: You are not a freak. Your reaction is a human reaction to a specific set of circumstances.

Step 6: Self-Compassion and Support

Finally, offer yourself the comfort you are seeking from others.

• The Action: Place a hand on your heart.
• The Words: “I’ve got you. We will get through this. It’s okay to hurt.”
• Deep Dive: Learn the scripts for this in Self-Compassion for Your Younger Self: Transforming Harsh Self-Talk into Kindness.

Validating the “Ugly” Emotions

It is easy to validate joy. It is hard to validate envy, rage, or pettiness. However, these are the parts that need your support the most.

• The Shadow: When you feel jealous, instead of shaming yourself (“I’m a bad friend”), validate the longing. “I am feeling jealous because I really want what they have, and I’m scared I won’t get it.”
• The Growth: Validating the shadow takes away its power to control you unconsciously. This is the essence of Shadow Work: Unlocking Your True Self by Embracing the Dark Side.

How Self-Validation Improves Relationships

Paradoxically, when you stop needing people to validate you, your relationships improve.

• Less Clinginess: You don’t need your partner to constantly reassure you, which reduces pressure on the relationship.
• Better Communication: You can say, “I am feeling hurt,” without demanding that the other person fix it.
• Conflict Resolution: You can listen to their perspective because you aren’t fighting for your own emotional survival.

The Connection to Boundaries

You cannot set a boundary if you don’t believe your needs are valid.

• The Scenario: Someone asks you for a favor you don’t want to do.
• Invalidation: “I should say yes, otherwise I’m selfish.” (Result: Resentment).
• Validation: “It is valid that I am tired and need rest. My need for rest is important.” (Result: A clean “No”).
• Resource: Strengthen this skill with Setting Boundaries for Healthier Interpersonal Relationships.

Using Your Inner Voice

Your internal dialogue is the primary vehicle for validation.

• Negative: “You’re such an idiot for crying.”
• Validating: “It’s okay to cry. This is a big release.”
• Strategy: Constantly rewrite the script using Positive Self-Talk: Harnessing the Power for Confidence Building.

Re-Parenting the Inner Child

Ultimately, self-validation is the act of being the parent to yourself that you needed when you were small. The child in you is looking for someone to say, “I see you. You matter.”

• The Practice: Visualize your younger self. Tell them, “I believe you. Your feelings are real to me.”
• The Impact: This heals the attachment wound at the root. Explore this further in Inner Child Dialogue: Practical Scripts to Connect With Your Younger Self.

What the Experts Say

Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), emphasizes that validation is not just a nice thing to do; it is a critical biological intervention that regulates emotions. Psychology Today confirms that self-validation is associated with lower levels of depression and higher emotional resilience.

Conclusion: The Freedom of Approval

Imagine waking up tomorrow and realizing you don’t need anyone’s permission to be exactly who you are. Imagine making a choice simply because it feels right to you, without polling a jury of your peers.

That is the freedom of self-validation. This freedom brings the quiet, unshakable confidence that comes from being at home in your own skin. Far from indifference toward others, it signifies that you care about yourself too. You have finally decided to be on your own team.

Check out the author’s book here: Healing Your Childhood Wounds Workbook.