A woman told me that she and her husband had eaten at the same pizza place every Friday for six years. They ordered the same dishes, sat at the same table and talked about the same things, mostly the children and the bills. One Friday the waiter brought their usual order before they had even asked, and she felt a strange sadness. Nothing was wrong between them. Yet she could not remember the last time her husband had surprised her, or the last time she had surprised him. That weekend, a friend told her about a playful game in which couples plan a date for every letter from A to Z. The game was called alphabet dating.
So let me set out what it really is, why a little novelty helps a long relationship, how to set it up, ideas for every letter, what the dates can teach you about each other and how to keep going once you reach Z.
What alphabet dating really is
The idea could hardly be simpler. You and your partner take turns planning dates, one letter at a time. The first date begins with A, the next with B, and so on until you reach Z.
The letter can refer to the place, the food, the activity or even the mood. A might be an art gallery, B might be breakfast for dinner and C might be a canoe on a lake. What matters is that someone has to think, plan and step a little outside the usual habits.
Some people call it ABC dating. Whatever the name, it turns date night from a habit into a small adventure. It also gives both partners a shared project that lasts for months, which is rare in busy lives.
Why novelty helps a long relationship
Early love is full of firsts. The first dinner, the first trip and the first meeting with each other’s friends all feel bright and a little nerve-racking. Over the years, those firsts run out, and comfort takes their place.
Comfort is precious. Still, too much sameness can make two people feel more like flatmates than partners. When every evening follows the same script, it becomes easy to stop really looking at each other.
New experiences shake that up. When you try something unfamiliar together, you both pay more attention, and you often laugh more. The Gottman Institute’s piece on why it helps to choose a partner who can be playful explains how play keeps couples close. Unstructured play describes why adults need that kind of fun as much as children do.
Setting up alphabet dating
A little planning at the start stops the game from turning into another chore. So sit down together for ten minutes and agree on a few simple rules.
1. Choose a pace
Decide how often you will go out. For some couples, one letter a week works well. For others, once every two weeks feels more realistic. The 2-2-2 rule suggests one rhythm for regular dates that fits neatly with this game.
2. Take turns
One partner plans A, the other plans B, and so on. That way, the effort stays balanced, and each of you gets the fun of both planning and being surprised.
You can keep your plans secret until the day, or share a hint in advance. Either way, the person planning should think about what the other would enjoy, not only about what fits the letter.
3. Set a budget
Not every date needs to cost money. In fact, many of the best ones are free. H could be a hike, S could be stargazing and W could be a walk through a part of town you have never visited. Agreeing on a rough budget keeps the game light rather than stressful.
4. Put the phones away
These dates work best as protected time. So leave the phones in a bag or on silent, unless you need one for a photo. Digital burnout explains why screens so often crowd out real connection.
Alphabet dating ideas from A to M
Here are some suggestions to get you started. Treat them as a menu, not a rulebook, and feel free to invent your own.
For A, you could try an arcade, an art gallery or an afternoon at an antique market. B might be bowling, a botanical garden or breakfast served at eight in the evening. C could be a cooking class, a comedy night or a canoe trip, and paddling together is a gentle lesson in teamwork. Co-regulation explains why doing calm things side by side can soothe you both.
Next, D might be dancing in the kitchen or a dessert-only evening. E could be an escape room, which asks you to talk under pressure, or a meal from a country you have never tasted. Similarly, F might be a farmers market or a fondue at home. G could be a game night, go-karting or a gallery walk.
For H, try a hike or a cosy evening with hot chocolate and blankets. I might be ice skating or an indoor picnic on the living room floor. After that, J could be a jazz club or a jigsaw puzzle with music on. K might be karaoke, which takes a little courage, or flying a kite on a windy hill. L could be live music or a first lesson in a language you both want to learn. M might be a museum, a round of minigolf or a meal eaten in fancy dress at home.
Alphabet dating ideas from N to Z
N could be a night market or a nature walk at dusk. Meanwhile, O might be an observatory, where looking at the stars together can bring a quiet sense of awe. P could be a pottery class, a planetarium or an hour helping at an animal shelter. Q might be a pub quiz or a quiet reading date in a café.
Then R could be rock climbing, roller skating or drinks on a rooftop. S might be stargazing, a spa afternoon or learning to make sushi together. T could be the theatre or a trampoline park, where adults are allowed to be silly. U might be an unplugged evening with no screens at all, or a day exploring your own town like a tourist.
V could be a vinyl listening night, playing an album from start to finish. Active mindfulness describes how that kind of focused attention calms the mind. W might be window shopping while you imagine the life you would build with endless money, which leads naturally into life design for your shared future.
X is the tricky one. Many couples pick a treasure hunt, where X marks the spot, or a video game night on an Xbox. Also, Y could be yoga, a boat trip or a morning spent at yard sales. Finally, Z might be the zoo or a slow, quiet evening of rest to close the whole journey.
What alphabet dating teaches you about each other
The activities are only part of the value. The real gift is what you notice about your partner along the way.
Perhaps your quiet partner turns out to love karaoke. Maybe the one who always plans everything finds it hard to relax at a pottery wheel. You might discover a new food you both adore, or a fear neither of you had mentioned.
Each small discovery adds to your picture of each other’s inner world. Love maps explains why that picture matters so much in a long relationship. The planning itself also helps. Every time you think about what your partner would enjoy, you practise paying attention to them, and that care builds up like savings in an emotional bank account.
When time or money is tight
Some couples worry that a game like this is only for people with free evenings and spare cash. In reality, limits often make the dates more creative.
If you have young children and no babysitter, play the game at home after bedtime. C could be a cheese tasting, P could be homemade pizza and W could be watercolour painting at the kitchen table. If time is short, a date can last half an hour. An ice cream on a bench still counts for I.
A small budget can help too. Try keeping each date under twenty dollars and see what you come up with. Often the cheap, odd ideas become the stories you still laugh about years later. The American Psychological Association’s page on healthy relationships notes that shared time and small kindnesses matter far more than grand gestures.
Keeping alphabet dating going after Z
Reaching Z is worth celebrating. You might spread out the photos from all twenty-six dates, or write a short list of your favourite moments.
Then, if you enjoyed it, start again with a theme. Some couples pick an alphabet of local parks, an alphabet of world food or an alphabet of free days out. Others turn their favourite dates into small habits, such as a monthly game night. Rituals of connection offers ideas for making those moments a regular part of life.
Along the way, pay attention to the small moments between dates too. A quick message about the next letter or a shared joke from last week can keep the spark alive. Psychology Today’s page on play explains why lightness matters so much for adults.
A three-question journal for this week
Five minutes, alone, in writing:
- When did my partner and I last try something completely new together?
- What is one thing I would love to discover about my partner this year?
- What could our date for the letter A be, and when could it happen?
The third answer is the one to act on.
When alphabet dating is not enough
Some of this needs company. If every date ends in an argument, if one of you no longer wants to spend time together, or if the distance between you feels too wide to cross alone, a counselor can help you find your way back. If you ever feel afraid of your partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential advice. And if any of this has left you thinking you would rather not be here, please call or text 988 tonight.
Conclusion: alphabet dating turns routine into discovery
The woman from the pizza place planned the first date herself. A was an afternoon at an art gallery, and her husband answered with B for bowling, which neither of them had tried in twenty years.
That is roughly what this looks like in practice. Some dates were a little flat, and a few were wonderful, but each one gave them something new to talk about.
The change she noticed first was on the way home. Instead of talking about bills, they found themselves laughing about what had happened and arguing happily about the next letter.
Alphabet dating is not about perfect evenings or clever plans. It is about choosing, again and again, to look at your partner with fresh eyes. Take turns, keep it simple, put the phones away and enjoy the surprises. In my experience the couples who play this game find that someone they thought they knew completely still has plenty left to discover
Check out the author’s book here: Love and Relationship Workbook for Couples
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