A man told me that he once sent a short email to his landlord only after showing the draft to three friends. The email asked for a broken boiler to be fixed. It was polite, clear and completely reasonable, yet he could not press send until someone else agreed that he was allowed to be annoyed. Self-validation was the skill he was missing, and he had never heard the word.
So let me set out what it means, why so many of us chase approval instead, where the habit usually starts, and six small steps toward trusting your own feelings again.
What self-validation actually is
Accepting your own inner experience as real and understandable, without waiting for someone else to confirm it. That is the heart of it.
In practice it sounds like a quiet sentence to yourself. I feel hurt, and that makes sense. You do not need a friend to tell you that you have a right to feel hurt first.
Self-validation does not mean agreeing with everything you think. Nor does it mean that every reaction is wise. Rather, it means treating your feelings as information worth hearing, even when your behaviour needs to change.
For example, you can say that your anger makes sense and also decide not to send the furious message. Both things can be true at once.
It is also different from selfishness. In fact, it asks you to offer yourself the same basic respect you already give to other people.
Nor is it the same as positive thinking. You are not telling yourself that everything is fine when it is not. Instead, you admit how things feel right now, which is often the more honest and the more calming choice. Many people find that once they hear a feeling out, it stops shouting quite so loudly.
Why we chase approval instead
Wanting other people’s approval is human. For most of history, belonging to a group meant safety, so we are built to care what others think.
However, for many people that ordinary instinct runs far too hot. Praise stops being pleasant and starts being necessary.
1. The bucket with a hole in it
When your worth depends on outside praise, no amount is ever enough. The compliment lands, feels good for an hour, and then drains away.
Because you do not quite believe it yourself, you need the next one soon. So the search never really ends.
2. Changing shape to fit in
Some people become skilled at reading a room. They adjust their opinions, their jokes and even their taste to match whoever is nearby.
Over time, that skill costs them something. They lose track of what they actually think when nobody is watching.
3. Handing over the controls
When your mood rests in someone else’s hands, their face decides your day. A smile feels like safety, and a frown feels like danger.
That state is exhausting, and it can make rejection feel almost unbearable. Rejection sensitive dysphoria describes how intense that pain can become.
Where the need for outside validation starts
Nobody is born doubting their own feelings. A hungry baby simply cries, without wondering if it is being too dramatic.
We learn self-doubt, and usually we learn it early, in homes that meant well but could not make room for a child’s feelings.
Being told your feelings were wrong
Some children heard that they were too sensitive whenever they were upset. Others heard that something painful had not really happened.
As a result, they learned that their own inner compass could not be trusted. As adults, they check every feeling with someone else before believing it.
Love that had to be earned
In other homes, warmth arrived mainly after good grades or good behaviour. The lesson was simple and harsh.
Therefore, many of those children grew up believing they only matter when they impress. Psychology Today has a short page on self-esteem that explains how that kind of worth stays fragile.
Not being seen at all
Sometimes nothing dramatic happened. Nobody asked how the child felt, and nobody noticed when they were sad.
That silence teaches its own lesson. Needs do not matter, so it is better not to have them. Reparenting yourself looks at how adults can begin to fill that gap.
Six steps to practise self-validation
These steps work best in order, and each one takes only a minute. Try them first on small feelings, so they are familiar when a big one arrives.
1. Pause and turn inward
You cannot validate a feeling you are ignoring. So stop for a moment and ask what is happening in your body.
Is your chest tight? Is your stomach churning, or are your shoulders up near your ears? Mindfulness exercises offers simple ways to ground yourself before going further.
2. Name the feeling precisely
Vague feelings breed anxiety. Instead of telling yourself that you feel bad, find a more exact word.
For instance, you might feel disappointed, embarrassed, lonely or left out. Naming the feeling often takes some of its heat away.
3. Find the because
Feelings rarely come from nowhere. They usually make sense once you see what set them off.
Try finishing a simple sentence. It makes sense that I feel anxious, because I have not spoken in public for a year. That small link turns a confusing reaction into an understandable one.
4. Let self-validation make room for the feeling
This is often the hardest step. Rather than rushing to fix the feeling, you let it be there for a while.
Fighting sadness tends to add a second layer of pain, the shame of being sad at all. By contrast, allowing it usually helps it pass sooner. Emotional regulation explains why acceptance comes before change.
5. Remember that you are human
Then remind yourself that most people in your position would feel something similar. Your reaction is not strange, and it does not make you broken.
It is simply a human response to a particular set of circumstances. The American Psychological Association has plain material on emotion that shows how normal these reactions are.
6. Offer self-validation out loud
Finally, give yourself the comfort you would usually look for in others. Place a hand on your chest and say a few kind words.
I have got you. This is hard, and we will get through it. It may feel awkward at first, yet many people find it steadies them faster than they expected.
Self-validation and the harder emotions
Validating joy is easy. Validating envy, resentment or pettiness is much harder.
Still, those are the feelings that most need a kind hearing. When you feel jealous of a friend, for example, you could shame yourself for being a bad person. Alternatively, you could say that you feel jealous because you want what they have, and you are scared you will never get it.
That second version is honest, and it does not act on the jealousy. Shadow work goes further into the parts of ourselves we would rather not look at.
Meanwhile, the shame fades a little each time you meet those feelings with understanding. They lose their hidden grip on how you behave.
How self-validation changes relationships
It sounds odd, but needing less reassurance from people often brings you closer to them.
First, there is less pressure on a partner. You no longer need them to confirm every feeling before it counts.
Second, conversations get easier. You can say that you feel hurt without insisting that the other person fix it at once.
Third, conflict softens. When you are not fighting for your own emotional survival, you can actually listen to the other side.
Over time, partners often notice the difference before you do. They feel less like judges and more like companions, which makes it easier for both of you to relax.
Also, boundaries become possible. If you do not believe your needs are valid, you will say yes to everything and resent it later. Setting boundaries shows how a clear no grows out of self-validation.
Using your inner voice for self-validation
Most of this happens inside your own head. The voice you use with yourself either builds trust or wears it away.
If the voice says you are an idiot for crying, answer it gently. It is fine to cry, and this is a big release. Positive self-talk offers more ways to rewrite that script.
Similarly, you can speak to the younger part of you. Picture yourself at seven or eight, and tell that child that you believe them and that their feelings are real. Inner child dialogue has gentle scripts for this.
Over weeks, the kinder voice becomes more familiar. Eventually it starts to arrive on its own, before the harsh one has a chance to speak.
A three-question journal for this week
Five minutes, alone, in writing:
- When did I last check a feeling with someone else before trusting it?
- What did I fear would happen if I simply trusted it myself?
- Which small feeling could I validate on my own tomorrow?
The third answer is the one to act on.
When it is more than a habit of doubt
Some of this needs company. If you feel empty or worthless most days, if old memories of being dismissed keep returning, or if shame is wearing you down, a counselor who works with childhood wounds is the right next step. And if any of this has left you thinking you would rather not be here, please call or text 988 tonight.
Conclusion: self-validation is a quiet kind of freedom
The man with the landlord email started very small. Before the next message he sent, he wrote one sentence to himself: I am annoyed, and that makes sense.
That is roughly what this looks like in practice. He still asked friends for advice sometimes, but he no longer needed their permission to feel.
The change he noticed first was speed. Small decisions that used to take a day now took minutes, and the relief was bigger than he expected.
Self-validation is not about ignoring other people. It simply means you stay on your own side while you listen to them. Name the feeling, find the because, and offer yourself a kind word. In my experience the people who practise this find that confidence grows quietly, one trusted feeling at a time
Check out the author’s book here: Healing Your Childhood Wounds Workbook
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