Imagine you are sitting at the breakfast table, scrolling through the news on your phone. Your partner looks out the window and says, “Wow, look at that bird.” In that fleeting moment, a choice is presented to you. It seems trivial, almost invisible. You could keep scrolling, barely acknowledging the comment. You could grunt a noncommittal response. Or, you could look up and share in the momentary wonder. While this interaction takes less than five seconds, relationship experts argue that these micro-moments—known as bids for connection—are actually the building blocks of romantic longevity.

The concept of bids for connection comes from the extensive research of Dr. John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples over several decades. He found that the difference between the “masters” and “disasters” of relationships wasn’t determined by grand romantic gestures or expensive vacations. Instead, success was predicted by how partners responded to these small, daily requests for attention, affection, and validation. Ignoring them creates a slow erosion of intimacy, while responding to them builds an unshakable foundation of trust. This guide will help you decode the subtle language of bids, understand the three ways to respond, and master the art of “turning toward” your partner to build a love that lasts.

Decoding the Language of Love: What Is a Bid?

A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or extended positive connection. Bids can be verbal or non-verbal, obvious or incredibly subtle.

• Explicit Bids: “Can you give me a hug?” “I had a terrible day, can we talk?” These are clear requests.
• Implicit Bids: A sigh while washing dishes (request for help or empathy). A playful nudge on the shoulder (request for affection). Reading a headline out loud (request for intellectual engagement).

The challenge lies in the fact that bids are often disguised. A partner asking, “Do we have any milk left?” might actually be asking, “Are you paying attention to me and our home?” Recognizing these signals requires a level of attunement and presence. Failing to notice them is rarely malicious, but consistently missing them sends a painful message: “You don’t matter to me.”

The Three Ways to Respond

Gottman identified three distinct ways partners respond to a bid. Your habitual response style determines the emotional climate of your relationship.

1. Turning Away (The Ignore)

Your partner makes a bid, and you continue what you are doing without acknowledging it.

• The Scenario: They say, “This show looks interesting.” You keep typing on your laptop.
• The Impact: The bidder feels invisible and unimportant. Repeated turning away leads to the “silent drift,” where couples become strangers under the same roof. This is a primary driver of Relationship Burnout Signs: When Love Feels Exhausting.

2. Turning Against (The Attack)

You respond to the bid with hostility, sarcasm, or defensiveness.

• The Scenario: They say, “Can you help me with this?” You snap, “Can’t you see I’m busy?”
• The Impact: This creates immediate conflict and fear. The bidder learns that reaching out is dangerous, leading to emotional withdrawal and a lack of Emotional Safety in Romantic Relationships.

3. Turning Toward (The Connection)

You acknowledge the bid and engage with it.

• The Scenario: They point out the bird. You look up and say, “That’s beautiful.”
• The Impact: The bidder feels heard, valued, and loved. This builds the “Emotional Bank Account,” creating a reserve of goodwill.

The Mathematics of Success

The statistics behind bids for connection are staggering. In Gottman’s “Love Lab,” researchers followed newlyweds for six years.

• The couples who divorced had “turned toward” their partner’s bids only 33% of the time.
• The couples who stayed together had “turned toward” their partner’s bids 86% of the time.

This suggests that you don’t have to be perfect. You can miss 14% of the bids and still have a thriving marriage. However, hovering near the 33% mark is a statistical guarantee of dissatisfaction.

Barriers to Turning Toward: Why We Miss the Call

If turning toward is so vital, why do we fail to do it? Usually, it is not because we stopped loving our partner.

Digital Distraction

Our devices are the biggest competitors for our attention. It is impossible to notice a subtle sigh or a longing look when you are doom-scrolling.

• The Fix: Establishing phone-free zones is crucial. This helps combat Digital Burnout: Recognizing Signs of Screen Fatigue and How to Reset, which often numbs us to our environment.

Emotional Overwhelm

When you are stressed, your internal resources are depleted. A request for connection can feel like “one more demand” on your energy.

• The Reality: We often perceive a bid as a task rather than a gift.
• The Remedy: Practice Nervous System Regulation: Calming Your Body to Heal Your Mind so you have the bandwidth to engage.

Resentment

If there is unresolved conflict, you might unconsciously punish your partner by ignoring their bids. “Why should I look at his bird when he didn’t do the dishes?”

• The Cycle: This creates a negative feedback loop where both partners stop trying. Breaking this requires The Art of Apology: How to Heal and Grow After Disagreements.

How to Master the Art of Turning Toward

Improving your “turn toward” ratio is a trainable skill. It requires intention and mindfulness.

1. Cultivate Active Mindfulness

You cannot respond to what you do not notice. Train your brain to scan your environment for your partner’s presence.

• The Practice: When you are in the same room, keep one ear tuned to them. This level of Active Mindfulness: Practicing Meditation in Motion allows you to catch the subtle cues.

2. The “Micro-Turn”

Turning toward doesn’t always require a deep conversation.

• Low Energy: If you are exhausted, a smile, a nod, or a simple “Hmm?” counts.
• High Energy: Putting down what you are doing and engaging fully.
• The Goal: Acknowledge their existence. Even a grunt is better than silence.

3. Express Needs Clearly (Better Bidding)

Help your partner help you. Instead of making vague or passive-aggressive bids (“I guess I’ll just sit here alone”), make clear requests.

• The Shift: “I’m feeling lonely and would love a hug.” This clarity is the core of Nonviolent Communication: Expressing Needs Without Blame.

4. Deposit into the Account

Every time you turn toward, you make a deposit.

• The Concept: View these interactions as currency. You are saving up for a rainy day.
• Deep Dive: Understand this economy in Emotional Bank Account: How to Build Trust Through Small Deposits.

What to Do When You Can’t Connect

Sometimes, you simply cannot turn toward. You are on a deadline, you are sick, or you are on the phone. Ignoring is still not the answer.

• The Pivot: Communicate your inability to connect without rejecting the person.
• The Script: “I want to hear about that, but I’m in the middle of an email. Give me five minutes, and I’ll be all yours.”
• The Promise: This validates the bid while protecting your boundary. It turns a potential rejection into a delayed connection.

Recognizing “Fuzzy” Bids

Some bids are hard to identify because they look like complaints.

• The Complaint: “You never help me with the kids.”
• The Hidden Bid: “I am overwhelmed and I need your partnership.”
• The Agile Response: Instead of getting defensive (Turning Against), try to hear the underlying wish. “It sounds like you’re exhausted. How can I jump in?” This requires high levels of Emotional Agility: Navigating Life’s Challenges With Flexibility.

The Cumulative Effect of Ignoring Bids

When bids are consistently ignored, the bidder stops asking. They withdraw. The relationship enters a state of “parallel lives.” Crucially, once the bidding stops, the relationship is in critical condition. It is much harder to restart the momentum of connection than it is to maintain it.

According to the Gottman Institute, the most common reason for divorce is not infidelity or explosive fighting; it is the gradual loss of intimacy and connection that comes from turning away.

Turning Toward Your Own Needs

Interestingly, people who are bad at recognizing their partner’s bids often ignore their own internal bids for rest or care.

• Self-Connection: Listen to your body. Is it asking for water? For rest? For play?
• The Link: Learning to respond to yourself makes you more attuned to others. This connects to Self-Validation: Learning to Be Your Own Biggest Supporter.

Conclusion: The Daily Choice

Love is not a noun; it is a verb. It is the accumulated weight of a thousand small choices made over coffee cups, text messages, and quiet evenings on the couch.

Ultimately, mastering bids for connection is about waking up. It is about snapping out of the trance of your own internal monologue and realizing that there is another human being in the room with you—a person reaching out, in a hundred tiny ways, asking, “Do you see me? Do I matter?” When you choose to look up and say “Yes,” you are building a love story that can withstand anything.

Check out the author’s book here: Love and Relationship Workbook for Couples.